Self Doubt

Some days, I feel sad and angry for no apparent reason. I become negative and pessimistic, and I feel sorry for myself, believing that everyone takes me for granted. I carry these feelings like old baggage, unaware of how they shape my reaction. I would get into arguments with anyone, just to relieve my stress. Any small thing could trigger me—a disagreement with the garbage lady, haggling with an auto driver over Rs.10, the house helper arriving late, a hurtful comment from a family member, or an unreasonable interaction with a salesperson, customer, or employee at work. Defending myself in my mind afterward would leave me exhausted, more stressed, and restless. I didn’t know how to reclaim my peace of mind. For 30 years, this went on, largely unnoticed.

Then, I started practicing meditation, but the pattern continued. Each time I lost my temper, I doubted myself, wondering what the point of meditation was if I couldn’t handle small issues or keep calm. Yet, I was unaware of one crucial change: I was starting to become aware of my reactions. 

I kept practicing. Most people lose patience and stop practice. But for me, every single practice gives me strength – that becomes the motivation to continue. Maybe it is the blessing of my guru. Maybe it is wisdom collected over many lifetimes. Or maybe it is just what repeated mistakes taught me. Maybe all. Whatever the case, I began to see clarily – my loud reactions, wrong choice of words, and over-excitement were robbing me of my peace of mind. Tolerating my inner discomfort is the only choice, and a better option than reacting and getting into arguments.

Everyone is a thought and so am I. Often people says, “It is difficult to tolerate this person and that?” To me the most difficult is to tolerate my own thoughts. Meditation practise provides the strength to meet own thoughts. And the way I manage my thoughts, it helps to manage outer situation. It is an on going process.

I still react, but now I do so in a calmer and more firm way. Other times, in the middle of an argument, I either take control of my anger or remove myself from the situation. This ability – to stop from inside and become aware – is the product of kriya meditation techniques. The techniques which provides deep inner transformation.

Sometimes, situations still slip out of my hands, but I don’t judge myself. What’s done is done. I no longer beat myself up, and if I do, I don’t fight to remove those feelings.

My Guru always says, “Just observe whatever is there and keep practicing.” And that’s what I’ve done. One cannot observe if they aren’t slow from within, and one cannot be slow without practicing meditation. It’s all practical—there are no shortcuts.

I’ve been practicing meditation for 15 years, and the journey hasn’t been easy, but it’s the choice I made. I planted a seed 15 years ago, watering it and taking care of it day and night, and suddenly, after all these years, I see a sprout.

I don’t know when silence will be cemented within me permanently, but I trust the process. It is all worth it.