Self Doubt

Some days, I feel sad and angry for no apparent reason. I become negative, pessimistic, and feel sorry for myself, believing that everyone takes me for granted. I carry these feelings like old baggage, unaware of how they shape my reaction. I would get into arguments with anyone just to release my stress. Any small thing could trigger me—a disagreement with the garbage lady, haggling with an auto driver over Rs.10, the house helper arriving late, a hurtful comment from a family member, or an unreasonable interaction with a salesperson, customer, or employee at work. Defending myself in my mind afterward would leave me exhausted, more stressed, and anxious. I didn’t know how to reclaim my peace of mind. For 30 years, this went on, largely unnoticed.

Then, I started practicing meditation, but the pattern continued. Each time I lost my temper, I doubted myself, wondering what the point of meditation was if I couldn’t handle small issues or keep calm. Yet, I was unaware of one crucial change: I had become aware of my reactions. 

My inner state was fluctuating. Some days, I was much happier, and nothing bothered. I handled difficult situations peacefully and found more silence within. But on other days, everything seemed to irritate me. To distract myself, I looked at my phone repeatedly. It only made me feel worse. I binge-watched television and quickly ate snacks, which worsened my situation and digestive system. Frustrated, I thought, “How many times will I make the same mistake?”

This cycle went on for many years. I even began to believe that whenever I had a blissful meditation, restless people would provoke me and make me angry, so I started avoiding them. I kept practicing, and after 10 years, I learned the hard way that I had no choice but to observe myself. My loud reactions, wrong words, and over-excitement rob my peace of mind. Tolerating my inner discomfort is a better option than reacting and getting into arguments. My understanding didn’t come from theory or concepts but from years of reacting and learning from it.

I still react, but now I do it in a calmer and firmer way. Other times, in the middle of an argument, either I take control of my anger or remove myself from the situation. Sometimes, situations slip out of my hands, but I don’t judge myself. What’s done is done. I no longer beat myself, and if I do, I don’t fight to remove those feelings too.

My Guru always says, “Just observe whatever is there and keep practicing.” And that’s what I’ve done. One cannot observe if not slow from within, and one cannot be slow without practicing meditation. It’s all practical—there are no shortcuts.

I’ve been practicing meditation for 15 years, and the journey hasn’t been easy, but it’s the choice I made. I planted a seed 15 years ago, watering it and taking care of it day and night, and suddenly, after all these years, I see a sprout.

I don’t know when silence will be cemented within me permanently, but I trust the process. It is all worth it.

Poem – Fall and arise.

At every fall one doubt the self,
Is it worth making the attempt,
Often gives up,
as the need of time,  
Beating oneself has no point,
Yet after a while,
Coming back to the same point
gathering some more strength,
One picks up where it was left.
Every fall leads to a new height,
Perhaps it is meant to be like that,
Building up slowly until can’t be prevented,
It is all meaningful, 
We fall and we arise.