Self-centered

How beautiful is the word “self-centered”—to be truly “established in the self.” I take it as a compliment.

From an early age, I recognized the importance of financial independence. In my family, earning members were valued and respected. I also had a simple dream—I wanted a gold ring, just like my grandmother used to wear. So, with my first job, after three months, I bought myself a gold ring. It felt great, and I proudly showed it off. My parents were proud too. The attention was nice, but it soon faded. I found myself longing for that same excitement again.

So, three months later, I bought a diamond ring. And then, another. But my family quickly grew accustomed to it, and I no longer felt special. That pushed me to do something bigger. Six months later, I bought a gold chain, and once again, I was on top of the world. But as the years passed, I asked myself: Why doesn’t this happiness last? Why is my joy so dependent on how others make me feel?

I thought, how foolish of me! Life is like that! We keep buying things, enjoying small moments, and when the thrill fades, we move on to the next. This is how excitement continues, or so I thought.

For better pay, I changed jobs. Not only did I make more money, but I also discovered a new source of excitement—friendships with boys. Dating brought more thrill than buying jewellery, but after a few months, the same pattern returned. What started as an exciting journey—the romantic conversations, secret outings, the anticipation of holding hands—eventually became dull. Why did my feelings of love fade? Why does everything eventually feel boring? I kept searching for something that would bring lasting happiness.

Weekends were the hardest. At 23, I felt alone. Saturdays were half days at the office, and everyone else had plans with their partners. I hated feeling left out.

Then, I remembered a school trip to Cheshire Home, a place for the elderly and children with special needs. I decided to visit, bringing sweets and fruit. Honestly, it didn’t feel great at first—seeing such difficult lives and hardship was overwhelming. Over time, I began to feel something different. I felt good helping the people.  I volunteered more.

Yet, even then, the sadness remained. I came to a realization: If I wasn’t truly happy within myself, I couldn’t make anyone else happy—not my family, friends, or even society. So, I asked myself, what do I truly want? Since childhood, I have always wanted to learn classical dance. This time, I was certain. I left my well-paid job to pursue it wholeheartedly. My family thought I had lost my mind, but every dance class filled me with joy. This happiness was deeper and more lasting than anything I had experienced before. For the first time, I felt a more conscious connection to my inner self. I felt proud of choosing myself over others’ approval and time-pass conversation. In this process, I understood that following my heart would lead to the truth, and I have to trust my intuition. 

I followed my heart and found my guru, Kriya Yoga Master Per.H.Wibe. After 15 years of dedicated practice, I feel more confident than ever in the choices I make. I have always followed my heart, but now I am aware of it. I experience a love that does not depend on anyone or anything — a love greater than the world can ever offer.

I feel a deep, unshakable peace within me—something that even death cannot take away. When I close my eyes to meditate, something profound happens. It’s not the absence of thoughts but an ease around them, like two rivers flowing side by side without interference. Suddenly, silence began to expand and grow wider. Two things occur simultaneously: there is intensity in every thought, but they also lose their hold more quickly. Being self-centred helps to understand my body, mind, and beyond. It may take a long time, making the same mistakes hundreds of times, but let the target be self-only.