Jealousy

Many years ago, I asked my friend, “What makes you feel secure in your marriage?”
She replied, “I have full confidence in my husband.”

And then she asked me the same question.
Even I was surprised by my response.
“I have confidence in myself.” I wondered why I said that.

As a child, I often felt overshadowed by the attention my younger brother received. Being the eldest, I silently carried a sense of unfairness. Later, my best friend chose someone else over me. To avoid the pain of being sidelined, I ended the friendship. That way, it felt easier to deal with frustration than to drag it. But in doing so, I carried grudges and unresolved anger.

About fifteen years ago, after trying every other option to get rid of frustration, stress, and grudges, I began meditating. At first, the flood of thoughts made it hard to close my eyes for even 5 minutes. The mind was too restless. After many years of practice, old resentments disappeared, and I felt innocent again, almost like a child. The experience was transformative. Conversations became simpler. It felt as if life had given me a fresh, blank page.

Surprisingly, suddenly I felt a longing for romantic intimacy. My marriage had already ended emotionally, so I wasn’t drawn to my husband. Shyam, my neighbor, had always been around, but I hadn’t noticed him that way until now. To my surprise, we both felt connected. I felt love not only for him but also for his wife and family. At first, I felt no jealousy. Love overflowed through me; it felt strong, and I didn’t feel like I was losing myself.

During this time, I had vivid dreams of moving through a purple light, crossing dimensions toward a brilliant white light. I shared these experiences with Shyam, and he, being spiritually inclined, encouraged me. Later, jealousy surfaced, and everything turned upside down. Every attempt to deepen our relationship met natural resistance, as if life itself was guiding me away from it. The separation was painful. 

My longing and pain led me to Rishikesh, where I met my guru. Since then, life has never been the same, and neither have I. 

Even after years of meditation, I still experience jealousy and others’ emotions, but they don’t affect me as they used to. I do react, but not in the same way.  Through 15 years of daily meditation, I’ve built a unique relationship with my thoughts. Most of the time, I live with them as long as I can tolerate them before reacting. Other times, I react immediately but with more awareness, gentleness, and clarity. These emotions no longer drain my energy. I’ve learned to be honest with myself, and this has helped me grow into the person I am today.

Poem
Feeling of love lifts high and free.
No object to claim,
Just the joy itself.
No desire, no chase;
My heart is full,
I rise without a name.