Price of Positivity

As a young boy, I quickly learned that to survive in this world, I had to get along with difficult people. Overlooking their weakness and focusing on the bright side seemed like the right thing to do.

My parents were often critical, but over time, I realized I couldn’t stay angry with them forever. They provided me with clothes, food, and pocket money. I pushed myself to think positively, telling myself that my parents only wanted me to improve to become a better person.  

Soon, I gained their trust and even became their favorite son.

In college, I faced bullies. After they had bullied me enough, they eventually got tired and included me in their group. Later, I joined a big company, and my positive attitude made me popular. But difficult people were everywhere. Some colleagues resisted when their egos were not satisfied. They needed attention, and I gave it to them.  It was so hard to be good all the time. I had to keep ignoring their insensitive behavior and comments. (Am I God or what?) Deep down, I hated my boss and the bullies.

I was getting promoted year after year and became successful. But my mind had become too restless. Peace seemed far away from me. I distracted myself with my phone and other gadgets, and my condition went from bad to worse.

At home, in my efforts to keep everyone happy, I had turned into a punching bag. I was not aware that my anger was building inside me like a volcano. In a moment of weakness, I lost my temper and shouted at a bully over a small issue. Everyone was shocked, but I was the most shocked of all.  I felt ashamed for losing control. I could not forgive myself. I tried to fix things by pretending nothing had happened. But it didn’t work for long. 

At that moment, everything stopped in me. I realised that avoiding conflict with others had become a significant conflict within me. In trying to become everyone’s favourite, I had forgotten to be mine.

Poem

It’s not easy to be genuinely sweet and nice,
not to be rude, swallowing pride,
Holding a volcano inside.
In the end, one learns
Pleasing others is part of fear;
It lingers,
Waiting for inner work.