My favorite person, myself

As a young boy, I learned quickly that I must get along with difficult people to survive in this world. Overlook weakness and try to focus on the bright side of the world. This could not be wrong.

My parents were critical, and I used to feel bad for many days, but later I realized how long I could be angry with them. They got me toys, clothes, food, pocket money, etc. Subconsciously, I started looking from a different angle. That my parents intend to improve me and to make me a better person. My positive approach helped me. I not only gained their trust but became their favorite son too.

In college, after being tortured by bullies, they finally got satisfied and favored me. Later, I joined a big company and my positive attitude made me famous. There are always some difficult people who can bring a hell of resistance if they are not satisfied. They needed attention and I provided it. Damn, it was so difficult to be good all the time, and not to get hurt by their insensitive behavior and comments (Am I God or what?). Deep down I hated my boss and bullies but kept positive thinking high up- I am growing, learning, and improving….

Something was eating me up from inside, but what? I got promoted year after year. Soon, I became successful. But to sleep at night, I had to make an effort. I kept myself busy all the time on my phone and other gadgets.

I was not aware that my anger was building inside me like a volcano. As expected, in a weak moment, I busted on a bully. The issue was really small. Everyone was shocked, and mostly myself. I felt ashamed of myself for being angry. I could not take it myself, what to expect from him. I tried to establish a normal conversation with him as if nothing had happened. In eagerness to solve the problem quickly, I tried to convince him and explained myself. It was a hell of difficulty, as if I was killing myself.

At that moment, everything stopped in me. Not having conflict outside has become a big conflict inside me. I realised that if I cannot accept myself, my anger, feel bad, hatred, then how can I accept others? If I cannot be truthful to myself, how can I be truthful to others? How can I love others if I don’t love myself? In becoming everyone’s favourite, I forgot to be mine.