How I quit the rituals or how it quit me.

I could have been born in some other part of the world. I must have begged God to be born in India.

We have rituals here for everything from birth to death. Rituals when we buy a new car or a home. We consider machines as God and worship them. As a child, I too joined in without much understanding.

I had been sent to a play school which was situated in an Arya Samaj Mandir. Hawan (fire ritual) and chanting of mantras was its daily ritual. As a child, it was easy to memorize Vedic Sanskrit shlokas. We had religious celebrations at home where the whole family sat together and prayed to God. We smartly asked almost everything from God – material success, the welfare of our children and family, good health, wisdom, and peace at heart too. But I was eager to get it end quick because there was always some Prasad (sweets) after the rituals and it was difficult to control my temptation for sweets. Most of the time I quietly stole some Prasad, which I enjoyed even more!

My aunt was involved in ISKCON. I loved the way she looked at the deities in the temple; something about it touched me. I followed the rituals religiously and eventually got the Krishna deity home. I worshipped him like my child; washing, changing his clothes, feeding, making small sweaters, etc.

My faith became even stronger when I went through the process of getting married. My grandmother was constantly pushing me to get married, but I had no desire to do so. I felt only God could help me, so I started visiting the temple every day. I heard many talks on scriptures and was chanting a lot. I did not look for any company to go to the temple nor wanted to talk to anyone. I wanted to be on my own, my aim was clear, I wanted guidance from God only.

I don’t know at which moment I felt that God told me, “Don’t fight with your grandmother about marriage, rest leave it to me.” After due process, my grandmother approved a groom for me and I got married. After the birth of my daughter many things changed, inside and outside too.

I asked myself, why I have no control over my life. Why am I so restless and anxious? What is real confidence and how to attain it?

Once again I was dependent on God only for the answers. The next morning, very strangely, while preparing breakfast, I switched on the Television. It was in the middle of a program and from the kitchen I heard the shlaka (verse) where Krishna says to Arjun – there are 3 types of Gunas – Tamas, Rajas, and Sattva, with which I was familiar but suddenly Krishna continued.

– “There is something which is beyond of all these three Gunas; Oh dear Arjuna, go for that only”.

I had never heard this before. I decided to find the answer to it somehow. I went through “Bhagavad Gita” many times; again and again, and made notes. One day when I was sitting in the park alone watching my child and other children enjoying the rides,  suddenly I realized that the world is just a play, and I am a small part of it. This experience stumped rather scared me but whom to discuss? People might think I am a fool or maybe I had interpreted it all wrong.

Two days later, my neighbor invited me to her home for a Hawan. The fire of the Hawan gave some stillness to my inner turmoil. I came back home with an intense desire to perform Hawan by myself, why wait? I went to the market and bought a small Hawan Kund (a metal container in which one safely perform the fire ceremony), and instead of wood I used cow dung; purifying the place with a little water and flowers, remembering Lord Ganesha, then the Fire God Agni, then Krishna as my Guru. I started with the Gayatri Mantra. 

I performed Hawan every day for one month, maybe not in a perfect way but I enjoyed every bit of it. I followed a timetable. In the morning, I did my daily chores, and then Hawan, read the Gita, and went to the temple. I kept looking at the deity of God for an hour and felt that no one should come between God and me.

A month later, I happened to read a book. It was about Shri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa. He used to pray and love Mother Kali. He had tremendous faith in her. One day in meditation he had to slay her head to go beyond. I understood it as one has to drop all the names and forms to go beyond. He guided devotees to fix a particular time and place to sit for meditation every day and focus in between the eyebrows.

Meditation was a new word to me. But something in me believed him so much. I introduced meditation in my daily programme. On the first day, it was very difficult to sit with closed eyes. I could not do it for five minutes. How to stay focused? The next day, I sat again at the same time, and when I opened my eyes, 15 minutes had passed. I was very happy with this achievement. The feeling was good, nothing more or less.

This experience became a motivation for the next day’s meditation practice. A few days later, I could sit for half an hour easily. During the whole day, I kept looking forward to the next meditation practice. One day, in meditation I felt as if my body was not on the ground. I was floating in the air, close to the roof. I was too scared to open my eyes at that moment. “What was that?” I wondered.

The next day again while meditating, I experienced that my body melted into a thin, flat sheet. I felt the absence of my physical body. Should I share this with someone? Am I doing something wrong? Am I going to die?

Life took me through an important journey for a year. I fall in love but could not be with him for long. Afterward, I experienced a strange pain, even more terrible than my near­ death experience. The pain came anytime during the day with the eyes open. I experienced breathlessness. It was intolerable. I cried and cried alone. I felt longing and separation would kill me soon.

I tried hard to remember Krishna but was unable to. I strongly felt left alone in the cosmos. Where had my faith gone? What to do? Where to go? 

That led me to another journey to learn Kriya yoga. I sincerely practiced for many years. I am not the same anymore. It is hard to relate myself to the person I see in my old pictures.

Poem

Where have you gone, where have you gone? 

When I close my eyes, no vision, no pillar to hold on, 

No one inside me now, only empty space,

In which I am standing alone,

What about the days I spent in chanting and prayers, 

All have evaporated,

Fearful to be free and alone, 

I cry like a child,

Need your guidance to stay and to carry on. 

Where have you gone, where have you gone.