Continuous Noise in the Mind

Continuous noise in the mind, no place to run and hide; it feels like hell. If we react, we are in trouble, and if we don’t, we are still in trouble- thoughts eat us from inside- exhaust us. In simple words, duality means Thoughts.

When I was in senior school, Upasana madam was my favourite teacher, and I was hers. She trusted me with responsibility – locker keys, her belongings, even access to her purse. That trust made me feel special. One day, we received the results of a class test. I was good at her subject and was expecting the highest marks.

To my surprise, my friends scored 18 out of 20, while I scored 16. My friends were dancing in joy, giggling, and celebrating their unexpected success. But I felt sad, embarrassed, and left out. I wanted to have more marks than them, or at least equal to them. I saw an opportunity to manipulate my score. 

I approached Upasana madam with my test paper and said, “I think there is a calculation mistake, my total should be 18, not 16”. My heart was beating fast. Fearfully, I handed her the paper. Thoughts were running in my mind, “What if she found me wrong!” Then I would say, “Oh, it is my mistake.” I thought, “Do I have that confidence to say this lie casually?” So I kept rehearsing the dialogue in my head. 

She held my paper calmly and looked at me once, and without rechecking my papers, changed my marks from 16 to 18 and said, “I trust you.”

Instead of feeling relief, I felt miserable. For days, I tried to justify my actions. “It was a matter of two marks only, big deal. It was just a class text, not even the final exams. People make far bigger mistakes, and I am worried about my silly mistake”. But I could not quiet the noise in my mind. My thoughts troubled me to the extent of hell for days and nights.

Outwardly, everything remained normal. Upasana madam still trusted me, still gave me responsibilities. But inwardly, it was painful for me that I had no courage to tell the truth. Even if she forgave me, the real question was: could I forgive myself? 

It was not an ordinary experience and realisation for me. Something my soul had decided. Eventually, I stopped fighting the guilt and started living with the inner painful discussion. Strangely, one day, the noise inside my head faded away naturally. It was still there,  but not in a painful way.

During our final board exams, the question paper was unusually difficult, and the invigilator was naive. Many of my classmates took advantage, openly cheated. But I decided not to. When the results were announced, most of the classmates scored 90 out of 100. The children and their parents were enjoying the success. I scored 65. My grandmother scolded me for being foolish, not taking advantage of the opportunity. But I felt no regret, rather happy. The concepts of right and wrong planted in us since childhood deeply influence our thoughts—no one is an exception. Through repeated experiences of non-duality, truth reveals itself.

The Mind’s Play
Just when we think we know the mind,
It laughs and makes a move,
It breaks all rules, it beats all odds.
No one is spared, not even Gods—
So let it move, don’t hold too tight,
Let it play – don’t interpret,
Just remember –
There’s something more.