Colors of Duality

Continuous noise in the mind, no place to run and hide; it is like hell. If we react we are in trouble, and if we don’t we are still in trouble- thoughts might eat us from inside. In simple words, duality means ‘Thoughts’.

When I was in senior school, Upasana madam was my favorite teacher, and I was her favorite too. She used to give me the maximum responsibility for our class and her belongings. I had her locker keys and access to her purse. She trusted me. One day we all got our class test results. I was good at her subject and was expecting the highest marks.

All my friends got 18 out of 20. And I got 16. My friends were dancing in joy, and giggling, they got more marks than they expected. I felt sad, embarrassed, and left out. I wanted to have more marks than them, or at least equal to them. I thought to take my chance, manipulate and cheat. I went straight to Upasana madam and said, “I think there is some calculation mistake, my total is 18 and not 16”. Fearfully, I handed my paper to her. She without rechecking my papers changed my marks from 16 to 18 and said, “I trust you.”

Instead of being happy I got miserable. I was not expecting that. For many days, I kept justifying myself, “It was a small thing. It was just a matter of two marks only, big deal. It was just a class text, not even the main exams”.

But I could not satisfy myself. My thoughts were troubling me all the time at the back of my mind. I experienced nothing but hell. After that incident, things outside were normal. She still gave me the keys to her locker and purse to take care, but it had become more painful to me. I had no courage to tell the truth. Even if I had, she would have forgiven me, but the question was can I forgive myself?

Later, I accepted the hell inside me. It was a kind of relief, hearing myself saying the same thing again and again for many months till the noise inside my head faded away naturally.

Subconsciously, my soul had decided something. In our final board exams, the question paper was difficult, and the invigilator was soft and sweet. Almost everyone was cheating around me, but I decided not to. When the result was out, everyone in my class got 90 out of 100. The children and their parents were enjoying the success. But I got 65 out of 100. My granny called me a fool, not to take advantage of the situation but I was not regretting anything. That was important to me.

Rights and wrongs are been educated to us since childhood. It is in our system..not to cheat, not to lie, not to steal, not to hurt anyone.  Our conditioning is much based on it and so our thoughts .  If not, life would be even more chaos. Often, seekers try to remove or substitute bad thoughts with good thoughts. My question is why remove something which helps us to discover our true hidden self?