Continuous Noise in the Mind

Continuous noise in the mind, nowhere to run or hide; it feels like hell. If we react, we are in trouble; if we don’t, we are still in trouble—thoughts eat us from the inside and exhaust us. In simple words, duality means Thoughts.

In senior school, Upasana madam was my favorite teacher, and I was hers. She trusted me with responsibility — locker keys, her belongings, even access to her purse. That trust made me feel special. One day, we received the results of a class test. I did well in her subject and expected the highest marks.

To my surprise, my friends scored 18 out of 20, while I scored 16. My friends danced with joy, giggling and celebrating their unexpected success. But I felt sad, embarrassed, and left out. I wanted to have more marks than them, or at least equal to them. I saw an opportunity to manipulate my score. 

I approached Upasana madam with my test paper and said, “I think there is a calculation mistake, my total should be 18, not 16”. My heart was beating fast. Fearfully, I handed her the paper. Thoughts were running through my mind: “What if she found me wrong?” Then I would say, “Oh, my mistake.” I also thought, “Do I have that confidence to say this lie casually?” So I kept rehearsing the dialogue in my head. 

She held my paper calmly and looked at me once, and without rechecking my papers, changed my marks from 16 to 18 and said, “I trust you.”

Instead of feeling relief, I felt miserable. For days, I tried to justify what I’d done. “It was a matter of two marks only, big deal. It was just a class text, not even the final exams. People make far bigger mistakes, and I am worried about my silly mistake”. But I could not quiet the noise in my mind. My thoughts troubled me to the extent of hell for days and nights.

Outwardly, everything remained normal. Upasana madam still trusted me, still gave me responsibilities. But inwardly, it was painful that I lacked the courage to tell the truth. Even if she forgave me, the real question was: could I forgive myself? 

It was not an ordinary experience. Something my soul had decided. Eventually, I stopped fighting the guilt and started living with the inner painful discussion. Strangely, one day, the noise inside my head faded away naturally. It was still there, but no longer painful.

During our final board exams, the question paper was unusually difficult, and the invigilator was naive. Many of my classmates took advantage and openly cheated. But I decided not to. When the results were announced, most of my classmates scored 90 out of 100. The children and their parents were enjoying the success. I scored 65. My grandmother scolded me for being foolish, not taking advantage of the opportunity. But I knew what I did was good for my peace of mind. The concepts of right and wrong planted in us since childhood deeply influence our thoughts—no one is an exception. Experiencing non-duality, truth reveals itself.

The Mind’s Play

Just when we think we know the mind,
It laughs and makes a move,
It breaks all rules, it beats all odds.
No one is spared, not even Gods—
So let it move, don’t hold too tight,
Let it play – don’t interpret,
Just remember –
There’s something more.