Out of Comfort Zone

She changed her priorities after marriage. Later in life, she realized that her financial dependency stimulated her weakness.

It might be her ego, but it pushes her to grow independent, and she is not ashamed of it. But how will she take charge of her life after 10 to 20 years of working as a housewife and full-time mother, during which she has nearly lost her self-confidence?

One day, at a PTM at my daughter’s school, I met a lady, the mother of my daughter’s friend. While waiting for our turn, she asked me, “Is it very difficult to get separated from your husband? My life is a mess. After 15 years of our marriage, my husband is still controlling. I feel I am done, but who will support me? My parents are innocent. Where will I go? What will I do? Where will I get the money?

She shared all this with me because she knew I had separated from my husband. It was a long, tough, yet magical journey to find happiness and become more confident.

Since my daughter was born, my life has completely changed. I gained a lot of weight, yet my body was weak. My husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. The situation turned from bad to worse when left with no respect in the relationship. It became difficult to communicate.

We tried to adjust for 10 years for the sake of our child, family, and social pressure. One day, sitting on the balcony, I thought: why am I living? Is it just because I am not dying? What is the purpose of my life?

I had two options: continue in a bad relationship until I die and pretend everything is ok, or take a risk. I chose to take a risk.

I decided to go to Rishikesh alone, to spend some time with myself. That was my first big step. I came back, armed with meditation techniques. They were powerful, and I was eager to know more about myself. By practicing intensely for two years, I got more clarity. Gradually, I became calmer and more peaceful, yet the happiness was missing.

I pursued my dance classes after a long time. That made me happy. My health was not supporting me, yet I continued. I did my daily chores slowly to accumulate energy for the evening dance class, and gradually my health improved.

I also started organizing retreats for my meditation teacher, again without thinking about what I would get out of it. These two activities gave me the courage. One day I told my husband that if we don’t have love and respect for each other, it is better to live separately.

I took my daughter and came back to my mom’s place. My life had never been so miserable – constant nagging from mom, younger sister, and aunt for a year to go back to my husband. I failed to make them understand that communication and respect are basic needs in marriage.

One day my mom asked me to leave her place. I found a decent apartment in an even better place in no time. The required furniture was provided by the landlord.

After sending my daughter to school and sitting at home, I was thinking about how to manage the rent of Rs.20,000/- and daily expenses. I had some savings, which were flowing out fast from my bank account. My priority was to stabilize my health, second to occupy myself especially in the mornings, and third I needed some regular income. There was constant stress at the back of my head.

In the midst of my struggles, two things supported me: first, my daily meditation practice, and second, my evening dance classes, which I never stopped, even during the financial crisis.

Soon, the meditation trust started paying me a salary of Rs. 15,000/- per month. Besides, I took a part-time job teaching dance to young children twice a week. The money was exactly covering my needs.

Whatever I needed came to me: shoes, clothes, and money. My friend gave me her old scooter, which was perfect. I felt God is with me all the time by taking care of my smallest needs.

I had a lot of free time in the morning, so I started writing articles despite my poor academic background. I learned from my mistakes, and life kept sending me the help I needed. I wrote five books based on my childhood memories. It was all adding to my happiness account.

Seeing my efforts, Mom realized that she had been hard on me and offered me a job at my father’s stationery shop, which was in bad condition.

I accepted the challenge to develop it with my hard work and creativity. Mom also started paying me a salary, and I left the part-time job and stopped taking money from the trust. Life became comfortable.

I realized everything is temporary, but my sincerity, totality, and joy are real.

Life continues to bring me more and tougher challenges. In the process of finding my best way out, I feel growth in every aspect of my being.

Poem

I had never been persistent in my life,
changing jobs number of times,
No relationship to hold tight,
No material achievements to feel pride,
“Have I been so restless?” It came to mind.
Then why do I feel peaceful when I close my eyes,
Yes, I was persistent in following my heart throughout my life.