The Seed of Fear

When I was around three years old, people would visit me not only because I was cute, but also before taking exams or starting any important work. People believed that whatever page I opened in their book would contain the same questions they would encounter in their exam. I guess every newborn child is pure and divine.  However, all of this changed after a few years.

I used to attend a play school near my home, which was even closer to Papa’s bookshop. One day, our class teacher told us the school would take us on a trip to a temple far away by bus the day after tomorrow, and we had to bring Rs.50/- by the next day.

Excited about my first bus trip with friends, I returned home and shared the news with Granny. She listened without interest and casually said, “I will decide tomorrow.” I believed her. Well, what was there to decide? 

But the next morning, I asked her for the money again. She responded, “This girl is always in a hurry. I will decide tomorrow.” Which tomorrow? The same thing she said yesterday.

Anyway, I went to school. Most of the children did not get the money. The teacher said in a strict voice, “Those who don’t get money by tomorrow will not go to the picnic”.  

All the children, including myself, became frightened. When I got home, I told Granny, but she ignored me. 

The next morning, I was very excited about school as it was my picnic day. I said to Papa, “I have to bring the money today. Or else the teacher won’t allow me to go to the picnic.” 

Papa inquired with Granny. With her eyes down, she replied, “Tell your teacher that it will be paid in a few days.”

I insisted, “It must be paid today. The teacher was very strict about it.”

Papa said to Granny, “We have to pay it regardless; let her take the money today.”

But Granny ignored him. 

I said to Papa, “In that case, I will not go to school today.”  

Missing school was not an option. 

Granny said, “You have to go to school. I will send the money shortly.” (I couldn’t understand why not now; we were not poor.)

Papa assured me, “I will bring the money soon. Everyone knows us because of our shop. The teacher won’t say anything to you.” 

Anyway, Papa dropped me off at school. 

The teacher asked everyone to stand in a queue with the money in hand. She sat outside in the playground on a chair with a small desk in front of her. A few children were ahead of me, and I quickly counted my turn. My class teacher was writing down the names of the children while collecting the money.  After paying, each child ran to the bus and took the best seat. I was worried in the back of my mind that everyone was holding the money except me. I was sure Papa would be here soon. My eyes were on the main door. The bus was also parked just outside the door. The children on the bus were very happy. They were waving to us from the bus window. I was eager to join them. 

My turn came. I said, “Madam, Papa will come here soon with the money.”

Madam angrily said, “Parents don’t take the teachers seriously. This is not acceptable. You will not go to the picnic today.”

I said, “You must know my papa. We have a bookshop in the market.” ( I repeated the words as I was told at home)

She got more irritated and said, “I don’t know your papa. Now go and stand separately from the line.”    

She made me stand alone in the sun. I watched all the children and my friends board the bus. I experienced deep sadness and humiliation for the first time, but I was not aware of it. Every minute seemed like a year. After 45 minutes, the madam said, “Your father has not come. We will leave you alone in this school”.

I got so afraid.  As a child, I could not understand anything. I was just feeling the things. I had no words.  The only thing I knew was that I was not as happy as before.

Madam went inside the room and kept the collected money in her locker. She got ready, grabbed her handbag, and came out with the other teachers. Ready to go. Fear was piercing my heart. 

My class teacher asked the other teachers, “What to do with this child? Shall we send her back home?”

One teacher said, “I know her father; he is a good man. They have a bookshop nearby. He will surely pay.”

My class teacher made a face and said to me, “Go and adjust yourself on the bus.”

That killed my excitement and confidence. The bus was full. The teacher asked me to sit on the bus floor. She kept ignoring me throughout the trip. We reached the temple. Nothing was exciting to me anymore. I wanted to go back home as soon as possible. In the evening, the teacher distributed the snacks to the children. When my turn came, she said, “How can you expect snacks? You have not paid any money.”

A three-year-old child does not know what is happening.  But now I know. Every child is an individual soul. It is the fine work of duality to take away innocence and fill the mind with fear, anger, anxiety, stress, and sadness. The circumstances continue doing so throughout life for the simple reason that what is inside us – fear, anxiety, sadness, etc. – has to be seen and recognized. One has to take responsibility for oneself to learn and grow further. It is a beautiful journey.  After a long process, one can attain innocence and a pure mind like a child again through conscious effort. For me, this came through 15 years of sincere meditation practice and the help of my meditation teacher.   

Mud on the Mirror

Every child is born innocent,
Full of light.
man-made concepts and fears
cloud the shining mirror.
Until one day—
a moment of deep awareness.
The soul makes tremendous effort
to rise above.